What I Am Trying To Say
by Wanting Memories
Summary: Rain's thoughts after her second love's death.


A/N: For more background on the posts in the misc/games section, e-mail me and I will be happy to give you the 411. (P.S. Goten is the game Goten, totally unrelated to Dragonball)

* * *

I guess what I want to say is that I miss you.

No, those aren't the words I want.

I miss my family. That's a simple emotion. Missing someone. I do more than miss you…I…I…

I don't think there is a word in any human language. Well, perhaps in Italian. That's one language that seems to have the love and sorrow bit of its vocabulary down. Yes, I'm almost sure than Italian has a word for what I want to say—or at least a closer word. But, I don't know any Italian other than "ciao."

So I guess "I miss you" isn't going to cut it. Not for me anyway.

My heart would sigh if a heart could breathe.

It's not just that I miss you, no. It's that I don't want to leave the apartment. This stupid little apartment that isn't even mine, it was yours. This place that I stayed in for maybe two nights with you has become the cornerstone of my living. And I get up in the middle of the night to sit on the bathtub wall and stare at those stupid blue and white tiles in the bathroom. I don't want to leave. I keep thinking you'll walk in through that door any day now and we can pick up where we left off. We had just barely begun and I wasn't even there to watch you leave. I wasn't even there to help you.

You promised me…you promised.

I am afraid that if I leave I'll forget your scent. I'll forget your face. I'll lose my grasp on you. I knew you only long enough to memorize your every move, your every expression. I'll forget the way your smile was slightly off-balance. I'll forget the color of your eyes.

You promised, Goten. You promised me that you would always fight. That you would always fight to see me.

I did leave the apartment, with Mika of course. I wanted to try it. I wasn't used to being cooped up inside all the time. We camped out in our tents. I was worried about the one night we shared together, and I didn't want to be alone.

We took the precautions, you were ready. One night. In that apartment.

I left in the middle of the night after a dream. Maybe it was a vision, I don't know. Either way it made me want to leave. Then Skye showed up and that's when I decided to leave.

"I want to go home, Mika. I miss Goten."

Skye said that you were dead. As if I didn't know that. As if I didn't have this canyon gutted out of the lowest pit of my stomach. As if I didn't notice the difference sleeping in your bed without you made. As if I didn't sit in your closet hours on end just to be surrounded by your smell before it went away forever. As if I don't wear your coat, even though it is too big for me. As if I hadn't gotten up every night just to look at that damned blue and white tiled bathroom.

But I missed being in that apartment, and I didn't want to stay out in the woods now. Especially not now. Not when I don't know how well I will manage to carry the baby after what my body has been through before.

I pray every night now, something I haven't done since I was seven. I pray for my body to be able to handle our child, and I pray for my mind to remember you clearly. I don't need to worry about my heart; you'll stay there longer than Tassel. In other words: forever.

You promised you would fight, and I suppose you did. I wasn't there and I know very little about how you died. I didn't even get to see your body to confirm it to myself.

Goten, you promised me. I'm not sure about what comes after death. I know what I have been taught to believe and I am going to hope that heaven is real and that you are in it.

But you promised me. Now I need you to fight again. I need you to help me. I need you to help me not forget you. Come visit me, come see me in my dreams. Or when I look in the mirror, make me see your reflection behind my own for just a moment. Please make our baby like you. Let me see you in his or her eyes. I may cry. I probably will, but don't let that stop you.

Goten, I miss you. No, that's not the word I want.

But I think you get what I am saying.


End file.
